In the eyes of the damned
by immortal7
Summary: Buffy has a talk at the grave of Angel. Set before Season Eight.


-1Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.

A/N This is just a little adventure in to the Buffy-verse that I wrote sometime ago. Hope you enjoy it.

In the eyes of the damned

She walked forward to the minor stone work that had the names on it. She wanted to let the tears fall from her eyes, but like most things in life what you want is not always what you get. So she just stood there with the sun on her back. Her white tee-shirt was reflecting most of the heat, yet she could still feel the heat elsewhere on her body. The names brought faces to her mind as she rubbed her fingers across the slab of marble. She stopped when she reached the final name on the memento of the lives that had been lost. Angel. He was the last name on the stone in the grips of what would be known as the loss of a once proud city. Yet much like her former home it was no longer there to be protected only mourned. She felt horrible about her feelings, millions of people were dead and she only mourned at most two, but in reality one.

"Did you ever truly forgive me for having you tortured for hundreds of years? What was your first thoughts when you finally regained the knowledge of where you were? Did you want to drain me? Did you want to cause me all the pain you were given by my hand? " The blonde stopped talking and walked away from the stone only to find her self walking back after thirty seconds.

"Why did you have to go and get your self killed? You could have called for help. Did you hate so much that in the end you didn't think that I would be able to help you stop this. I had a minor army of slayers willing to rush in and save the world from evil and you had what a ex-watcher, a street punk , and some woman. I could have helped you. I even let you precious golden girl stay free so that the greater good could be served." She puffs her chest mildly at the last sentence and paces once again.

"How could you forgive her and not me? What made Faith's murder case any worse than mine? Or was it that I killed you and she killed someone you never met is that it. Do you know the hell I went through because I had to sacrifice the only person I have ever loved like that. I wasn't even out of school yet and I watched you disappear knowing I killed you. I don't care if you came back in the end. I killed you. I didn't sleep for months with out waking up screaming at one point of another in the night. I still do. Nobody know because Buffy always has it fucking together. I made nice and move on all quick and clingy like most teenagers because that was what was expected of me. I wasn't allowed to love you anymore, you made that perfectly clear. Did you ever think that your opinion on that matter was worth anything with out first consulting mine? So I tried to move on. I found a nice and normal boy and that turned out to be all lies as well."

She stopped talking and sunk down to her knees in front of the stone. "I went to hell for you and I knew that for all eternity that I wouldn't ever see you again. I lied to everyone, even Spike. I wasn't in heaven. I'm not allowed to step in front of those gates anymore than you are allowed to step near the gates of my final resting spot. They all were worried that I went to a hell dimension since I died by messing up the ritual, but we both know I went and am still going to hell because in the end I cause the death and eternal torment of an innocent soul. I sent a being who had truly tried only to right the wrongs of the world to a place he didn't deserve. " She feels a few minor tears scroll down her face.

"And low and behold its back to happy, happy joy-joy time I am brought back with total knowledge of what I going to be facing when I died again. My friends might have done the most amount of torture to me than any other being besides myself. They bring me back and you never even showed that you might care in the end that I came back. You stayed in your little city protecting all those who can't help them selves." She gets up and goes to leave.

"Well I can't protect myself. I can't now and couldn't than yet you never seemed to care that I might need you. I wonder sometimes if maybe you didn't really love me. I pray sometimes that you didn't so that sounds of your screams don't wake me up at night. I don't feel the need to look at my best friend and wonder if she will be joining me since she murdered the person that killed her soul mate. Maybe the idea of revenge will set her books be balanced better. I miss those days when I never knew any of this stuff. I still wonder everyday if maybe just maybe I'm still at the mental intuition and I really did just snap like my parents thought I didn't and torched the school because I really am sick. And all this, this whole thing, the whole world is just my mind playing tricks on me. And that sooner or later I'll get better and be allowed back outside with feel of a breeze touch my face for the first time, but we all know it's a lie and that in the end of the day your still dead and I'm still damned. I'll be kept here on the Earth to kill demons and fight the good fight until that day when they get me and I get to join all the inmates that I sent down in my time. I hope you found happiness now that the world isn't on your shoulder Angel. I hope you did. Well I guess this is it, goodbye love maybe by the time this is over I'll be able to see you . Maybe I'll have balance the books enough that I'll get to join you." She leans down and kiss the name on the stone before walking off. The wind picking her blond hair up and spreading it out like multiple lines of fate.

E/N: Leave your thoughts if you want or not later everyone.


End file.
